Do you ever picture your future? Is it pretty? When the future becomes reality, is it just as pretty as you dreamed? Unfortunately, it usually isn’t. My picture was nearly perfect in 2009; all that was missing was my perfect baby. After 6 months of trying (and frankly, lost romance) to get pregnant, in March of 2010 I tapped Matt’s shoulder at 5:45 in the morning to tell him the good news. At best, I think he “humph.” Later in the day, I texted him to make sure he had heard (and understood) what I’d told him. This is when I noticed our relationship change. What was happening to me (physically and emotionally) wasn’t happening to Matt, and it wasn’t something I could explain to him.
I had a near perfect pregnancy, and all pregnant women can and will hate me. I hope for a similar situation in the future. We had a scare when I was 10 weeks pregnant, but Matt held my hand during an expected ultrasound where we saw our little baby for the first time. Matt was by my side for practically every prenatal appointment (he missed the ultrasound when we found out we were having an Annie and not a boy), including the 3 times I was attached to monitors days before Annie was born. From the time I was admitted to the hospital for Annie’s birth, Matt never stepped outside the hospital walls. Because I had a c-section, Matt held Annie first and changed her first diaper (a poopy one at that!).
My picture was again near perfect. I had the baby now, but my relationship with my husband was getting gray. I’d never had a clear picture of what motherhood would entail, but I’m pretty sure I’m painting the right picture. This wifehood thing has me baffled sometimes. I think part of what has gotten in the way of our relationship is this weight loss quest. Sure, I became resentful towards Matt as he accomplished goal after goal. Don’t get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY proud of him. We’ve been working with my therapist to try and figure out how we can better our relationship.
Matt and I have fought almost as long as it took me to write this post. If anyone is available to watch Annie on Saturday night, please comment below. Date night weekend is off to a great start. On a brighter side, Matt took Annie to school this morning while I enjoyed the gym by myself. I started my anti-depressant this morning. Doctor says it’ll take a few weeks before I’ll notice any changes. The tunnel has a light, and I’m moving towards it.